Sincerity...

She was glad that she had this chance to teach the kids in school. It is something that she had always wanted. She felt this gave her life more meaning. And of course all her friends knew how much she wanted to teach. They had heard her talk about it for ages now. Today was her first day at school and she walked back home feeling satisfied with what she had been doing. She felt important and generous - at the end of her first day of social work. With a smug grin she walked up to the gate of her apartment.

The watchman’s little son was playing outside with his friends. While all his friends played with paper boats, he was looking at the paper in his hand with an intense concentration. Six years old and he had never seen the insides of a school. The letters on paper looked like drawings to him. Having seen his friends spend time on similar drawings, he wondered what stories this paper held. ‘Wonder what it says’, he said to himself. His pa couldn’t send him to school as his salary was inadequate for that- especially after he had spent it on all essentials like liquor. She saw the kid struggling with the paper. With a frown creasing her forehead she asked – “Venu, why are you wasting your time with that paper? Did you pump water today? We ran out of water around this time yesterday.” The boy looked up with a start and said – “Yes Madam. I switched on the pump quite some time back.” She acknowledged his answer with a nod as she walked in.

Non-happenings..

after eight years, i finally rode a two-wheeler(discounting the fragile excuse i attempted to ride while in Pondy). the only catch being i bought this one, and am now learning how to ride. :) i remember a friend telling me how he learnt how to swim from a book. he hasn't had a chance to check his knowledge. and when he finally gets a chance, if he hasn't actually mastered it, then i'm not sure we will get to know the story anyways.. so what i was saying is that i am now my own instructor. from applying brakes to putting the bike on the stand. :) and i am making a big deal out of it. but i like doing this. especially the doing it myself bit. let's see if i will live to tell the tale. ;)

Resolution..

From today on, I will not shy away from people anymore. i'll make an attempt to be my true self with them. will share my thoughts. will make friends. will move on from my college memories. will stop writing all this here and actually get out there and talk it out. hmmm.. may be tomorrow.

Conveniently inconvenient..

After twelfth I’ll take up Engineering – it’s convenient. And after college. Definitely software. Easy to land a job there. And few years later I’ll get married - an insurance for old age. And it is the best way to make my parents and my life convenient. But i realise. In the long run convenience is so inconvenient.

Pub culture!!

She walked in to the pub. The music filled, stifled, smothered. She looked at all the zombies and wondered what depravity made them sink to what they were. Soulless. thoughtless. Yogi-like. That was another day. And today.. she knew. As she sipped her whisky and closed her eyes. Surrounded. By nothingness. Yogi-like.

Of beginnings and ends..

Sandy left Hyderabad today. Abdu resigned Infy today.

Two completely different decisions. Two completely different paths.
Two completely different experiences. One common factor - sheer courage.

While one is on her way to matrimony, the other is on his way to himself.
I just hope that both of you guys know that there is a whole bunch of us rooting for you guys. Thru and thru.

@Sandy
Without going into specifics of what exactly it is that i'll miss (in which case this blog will become a tear jerker and hence a winner), just know that female, i'll miss you, you absolute foul-mouthed-obstinate-pj-cracking-ahangari.. And you'll have a bloody happy married life which will make me remove the "Not for sale.." sign and instead put one up that reads - "Free free free.." :) Lubb ya!!

@Abdu
"here i am.. sitting at my desk, with 2 shirts, 1 tshirt, 2 coffee mugs, 7 cards n a bag full of junk.. aftr about 200 hugs i just feel blank..i loved this place : )"
i'll remember this. For a long time to come. And i feel so very proud of you. For doing something that everyone dreams of but few have the guts to do. Live your dreams big guy. Each of which will come true. And here is another hug. One for the road!! :)

A rare morning walk..

A cloudy umbrella up above. And a hope of rain in the heart. Sounds that surround, soothe, smother. Sounds - of expectant peacocks, of chattering birds, of two pairs of feet walking on the sand, of blowing wind, of a distant stubborn train which whistles on and on, of young thoughtful voices, of whistling security men, of the bustling city just a stonethrow away.
Sounds that make you wonder if you're listening to nature interrupting the city's eloquence or is it the other way round. Nestled in the middle of a growing concrete jungle is this park. And on a day like today, i am glad i was there. To be surrounded, soothed, smothered.

Lonely..

After a long time, I read our college blog - ::Friends 4 Ever::

And i sensed so much loneliness. And it makes me wonder.
If growing up is such a lonely task, why do we ever choose to grow up? Can't we choose not to?
If all of us are so alone in our own isolated universes, can't we get out of the haunting loneliness?
Can't we, i wonder..

Not for sale..

"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife." - Jane Austen
But what she forgot to mention and what stands more true in the Indian context is - "It is a truth universally acknowledged that parents with a young daughter must be in want of an amiable groom."
And this summarizes the soup I am in. After a fight which HAS BEEN ON FOR MONTHS AND MONTHS, yesterday i told amma - "go ahead. search for a guy. give my name in the matrimonials and the websites. on the condition that you do not give a description about me." There then ensued a pause, which ended when i heard the click which meant she had banged the phone down. Not really. in the modern day mobile phones, you cant really bang the phone down, can you? Which by the way is really sad. I'm sure Psychologists world over will have a few thoughts about banging phones and doors as therapeutic techniques.

Coming back to my mom.. I couldn't help but think of her dilemma. Akin to Shylock, in Merchant of Venice, who had the liberty to exact a pound of flesh on the sole condition that he does not shed a drop of blood. I wish i could have shared this thought with her. The literature graduate in her would have enjoyed this parallel i'm sure. but as it happens, we are not on talking terms now..

There is nothing novel in this story. i can see almost all girls who are my age remembering their last fights. (mind you.. i said ALMOST ALL. coz i do know a few lucky exceptions). it is highly surprising to me that my educated and modern family can never empathize with my desire to stay unmarried for a few more years to come. Even my bro who had a love marriage (and please note, Bhabhi was TWENTY SIX when they married) cannot empathize with me. So, when my parents register my name in some murky matrimonial and label me, they may say - "24 years old, almost five feet, weatish-bordering-on-fair, brown shit-coloured eyes, working in a mnc". and in those few words i will find the past twenty four years of my life - simplified. it will be crystal clear. and some guy somewhere or even more probable.. some guy's family somewhere will read this, and judge the suitability for their son based on whether horoscopes and the height and the looks gel. and if it does, wo!! i would have found the guy i am destined to live with for the rest of my whole long tortured life. do i want to get married some day? yes. do i want relationship in the future? yes. is this the way i want things to happen? a resounding no.

And why I ask myself why this hatred for the whole ritual? For one.. I hate being a commodity. Labeled and categorized and slotted. And for another, it is the thought of forced companionship that hurts. Having spent a lifetime with our CHOSEN friends - from college, school and now office. it is tough to put efforts into a new relationship. in fact i don't think i have much of me left inside of me for that. it is all there in a million pieces inside all my friends.

The constant fights are tiring though. So next time round, I'll put an end to the ongoing war. I'll ask amma to go ahead and put in the description after all. i'll even go ahead and write it for her. "twenty four year old wishing to see a lot of the world, read a trillion books and be truly completely happy, in an abnormally normal way, seeks alliance from like-minded individuals". if i have to be a commodity, i may as well be a branded one right..

experiments without truth..

I have very few convictions about the strength of my character. I can almost see my friends nodding their heads and saying - "Not without ample reasons".. Mainly coz i try my best not to display extraordinary strength of character or virtues that would awe others.(Like duh!!) But one conviction i had always treasured was about my being a truthful person. And i was thoroughly convinced of it.. until yday..


I woke up. a day like any other day. and i realised that i dint want to go to office.. at least not right then. so i called up my Boss and told him - 'not feelin too great Sir.. so i'll be coming in slightly late'. dis was LIE#1. and then i went right back to sleep. woke up around twelve in d noon and got ready for office. stepped out o home and faced the everyday enemy with a look of fortitude.. the auto guy. One look straight into his eyes as i mumbled - 'Cybergateway'. '40 bucks' pat came the reply.. '30' i retaliated. a few seconds in which he tried to stare me down and i tried to look like i had built in laser devices which would cripple his will. "35" he offered as appeasement. and i shook my head. eventually.. as i took a few steps away from the three-wheeler he rushed to the driver's seat and beckoned to me.. and i went right in. happily. :) for once.. i had won the battle. but sadly.. the war is still on. :( anyways.. this was LIE#2. for i ve never paid mere 30 bucks. and boy!! the elatement of swindling the auto guy of the undeserved 5 bucks!! heaven in itself.. :) and it was on my way to office that i realised..

my definitions of truth and lies are pretty much driven by convenience and the need of the hour. while i would never think of lying to my parents about my grades and academics.. i would easily churn out 5 lies per minute just to ensure that i can go for a trip with my friends.. and i could come up with no less than 10 solid fool-proof lies to keep them out of any idea that i think sidesteps my demarcated area of freedom. this freedom may be anything. i still remember the lies i said to ensure that my parents do not accompany me from Kolkata to Hyderabad when i came to join my current job. :) i told them - "No one's gonna come with their parents" (The fact that my friend's had their entire families along with them, not just their parents, was pushed right under the carpet.)

and with friends. well.. i do not lie. i hide a few stuff which i would rather not have anyone know. i exaggerate at times when i think a story needs some more spice to liven it up.. and yeah.. i say blatant yet believable lies when i have to arrange a surprise for them. this is one set of falsehoods i adore. for it is the bad for good philosophy. and the motivation is pretty much enough to cover up the fact that i lied. but by far this is the most exasperating aspect for my friends.. i can see quite a few sage heads nodding .. (Aana. i'm talking about you here.. just in case. but i just wanted to tell you female.. i never mean no harm. i really don't!! )

the only aspect of truth i really conform to is may be that.. i never do reveal any secrets i'm entrustred with. not even to my closest friends. and this treachery will happen only over my dead body. not sure how i can say that as i'm still alive and typing over here. :) but pretty much, thats how it is.

The whole rest of the truth in me is best quoted by David Roberts when he says in Shantaram - "It is possible to do the wrong things for the right reasons." Just that in my case.. i decide what the right reasons are.. :)

Unafraid to cry..

A sad silent day like the innumerous days that have now passed.
And the monotonous days up ahead.
And there is this dull ache in my heart.
A sorrow that brings tears with no apparent reasons.

And tears that flow unashamed unabashed.

Hmmm.. I’m reading poetry. And somehow that just hurts me so bad.

Where wine is cheaper than water..

This is my second post of the day and though this is going slightly overboard, i really love doing this.

On Feb 14th 2009, i created some of the awesomest memories ever and i have always wanted to record those. on some more lasting source than this confounded head of mine. And thats is what this is.. This is so that i live those moments again. Now when i write this and in the years to come when i read this. And this is also my way of redeeming my promise to Aana. "if i live to tell the tale, i promise i'll blog about this". So this female.. is my promise. Fulfilled!

"Where wine is cheaper than water..
And clothes an unwanted burden.
To such a promised land my Lord let my soul awaken."

Top nine moments - PoNDy#2009.. (in random order..)

1. Fuss in the bus.

I moved out of Kerala almost two years back. so the sensation of being groped is something i had forgotten. in fact i had forgotten that this really does happen. so it was that naaj, ritu and i were sitting in the bus. on the way to pondy from chennai when i turned around to see the guy behind me reclining comfortably with his hand on my shoulders!! a*****E!! i swear i ve never used the swear word like i ever meant it. not before that day. but that day i let myself go. and boy.. was that fun. :) though ritu still claims i did not exploit the situation to the maximum as in - i did not get the guy thrown off the bus or convicted in a court of law, i was pretty happy with the reaction. so was naaj i think.. Right naaji??

2. Stuck!!
Lady Rep Manju.. how can i forget? the hour spent standing next to the crowded Pondy roads.. Waiting for Reenu to come and rescue us. The plot goes this way - we had taken off to Pondy city. none of us had licenses except Minu sa.. and yet there we were riding in the city. unafraid. :) (note the stress on UNAFRAID). and Reenu Acha has this excuse of a moped. a fragile thing that still relies on pedals. and this was one formidable machine. the only one among us brave enough to ride it was our very own Lady Rep.. Lady rep Manju. While on our way back from the city, the traffic kept piling until it reached a point when Manju almost hit a biker and almost got the two of us KILLED by a bus.. But as the story unfolds, i'm still alive and she managed to scrape through with slight scars on her confidence levels. Anyways.. as she was no longer fit to ride and Acha's bike was still the stubborn machine that it is, we waited there. Manju and me. Soumsi and Tommy, Nanu and Naaji, Radhee and Ritu had gone ahead to Auroville. Minu went by herself. Brave brave female!! Acha meantime managed to come up with a two member strong rescue team - Bajji and ACHA!! And came flying to get Manju and me off the streets. no pun intended. And all this while.. we waited there. Manju and me. with twenty bucks between the two of us. and a lifetime of conversation ahead of us. Manju.. truth be told. loved it! scared shitless may be.. but loved it nevertheless.

3. Romance in the air..

So did i mention Acha's sorry machine before? Well.. it may be in a sorry state. but only when it is being ridden by anyone other than Acha.. After the rescue, Acha rode the moped while i sat behind her. She made the machine seem so solid. i felt the safest i ve ever felt on anything that has wheels. and this undoubtedly was one of the most romantic moments of my life. star lit sky. wind that made me cry.. (literally.. was hard to keep my eyes open.) and a suicidal Acha riding the moped like it was a Benz..! and we sang along. the two of us. :) Acha female. you're the best knight in shining armour. EVER!! For you can make even that piece of junk - FLY!!

4. Dance like no one is watching..

Oh that was fun.. while waiting for steaming momos, with lovely music filling the air, the dance fever gripped us. and we danced. :) Soumsi/naaj/minu/manju and me.. this is one of those things i miss the most. dancing when the fever grips us. with utter disregard for the 'who is watching' part of it. i will remember that place. i will remember the cute tibetan guy naaj was trying to hit on. i will remember the 'Notting Hill' song that played in the background.

5. Truest prayer of them all..
When we went with Acha to her friend's place on the night of the 14th. knowing our antics she had pre-warned us that this place was the most silent place around and there was no way we could even whisper. as an afterthought she directed us to visit a lotus pond right next to her friends house. and there.. hmmm.. few words i penned that day.
"Underneath the starry brilliance, sitting next to a lotus pond which is alive with thousands of sounds, with whispering bamboo shoots behind us and an all-consuming silence around us. Right here on this spot is a temple every brick of which is an honest prayer. Exactly two words - 'Thank you'. Addressed to no one. Addressed to everyone. gratitude. for this life, this trip, this moment" there are a few moments in life that seem to give the deepest meaning to the very fact that we are alive. and that moment there was one of those. i was alive that day to experience that peace. loved it.
Wonder what everyone else was thinking.. Ritu?? Radhee?? Tommy??

6. Not-so-great-crater..
Blame it on ritu may be.. when she went on building up this visual imagery of a depression in th emiddle of no where from where you can see the whole of the heavens.. we really thought it was a cave. so the actual first sight of the crater was a slight let down.. for this is not a big depression. it is an expanse of land with a lot of bushes and gravel. the view of the skies was everything that was promised. but the ground was not very kind to our posteriors and specially for the ones not-so-generously-endowed :).. but this was fun. i realised all of us are so different. with different expectations, but we still gel. somehow. somewhere. and thats how we ended up deciding to get back to our comfortable accommodation and carry on with the rest of the difference of opinions.. :) and btw.. to the question of "what is in a name??" i now have very solid answers. a lime juice by any other name does not taste just the same. right nanu?? right soumsi?

7. Art of blab..
So this is what makes any trip worthwhile. Blab blab and more blab.. And thats where the moments spent with Ritu/Naaj/Minu/Soumsi/Manju in the bus, with Radhee while riding to Le Dupleix and with Minu/Nanu/Tommy at Athithi grah made it to this list. Hmmm.. I miss that very often. Conversation. not just superficial hi-hello-how is life.. but real talk. where you spill your hearts out. the hundred thoughts that blaze thru you rmind and leave you slightly unbalanced.

8. Le Dupleix..
Okay.. so the lunch was expensive and not-so-great. may be if things had been not so burnt we would ve realised what Italian food actually tastes like. :) but as it was. i liked it. i liked it coz i ve d picture. taken by Naaji.. of the Friends photo and all of us in the background. so what if we paid two grand for that. i ve another photo to frame for the next get-together.. i liked it also because somehow these mishaps make the trip real. i'd ve loved it if everything was perfect. but years hence i'd ve looked at this trip and thought - "too good to be true". now though.. the lingering taste of burnt Italian food will remind me, "Yes twas berry berry true.. " :D

9. Top 3 rides i can't forget..
With Minu sa. while searching for Susan chechi's. I ve never been so lost yet found at the same time ever before. hehe.. twas fun.
With Acha..
With Radhee.. for a moment there i forgot that i was not born to be a singer. i think you did too seetheart. :)

these are the moments i'll treasure. i just realised. i haven't mentioned much of the place have i? :) but i really do wish i can spend at least a portion of my life at Auroville some day. with the brick-coloured unpaved roads and limitless freedom. for it felt like a place which can one day be home. away from the madness. it may have been because of the memory of these two days. two days which made me feel as if i was right in the middle of the current again. the current full of friends and emotions. but whatever may be the reason.. i wish i can go back one day. and while riding through those strangely familiar roads, i'll think of these two days. :)

P.S.. could all of us write Top Pondy moments somewhere? :) i'd love to relive all those memories..
and to all females who didn't come. missed ya guys.. immensely. hmmm.. next time. i hope.

I'm not an article.. Not yet a poem..

Together in all our loneliness,And yet separated by it..
I lie here thinking thoughts, wondering.
Confused and bewildered like a tenth grader.
What is it that i like and like-not..
What is it that i want and want-not.
Years from now..
Running in the maze.Stuck in the rat race.

Will i be half as happy as i was at five?
Standing on the doors of a moving train.
With my Father's hand on my shoulders.
Holding me. Strong and firm.

Will i be half as happy as my ten year old self?
Spending hot summer nights.
Outside of my house.
Looking at the glorious moon in the glorious sky.

Will be half as happy as a teenager?
With cold wind biting into my face.
Riding my 'Miss India' through the amazing slopes.
On cold wintry mornings.

Will i be half as happy as a collegeian?
With no sense of urgency.
Happy in a sense of purposelessness
Just being there and enjoying it.

Will i be half as happy as i am now?
Acknowledging the smallest of happiness.
Lost and bewildered.
Trying to see and failing. But still trying.

Asking and yet not knowing..Will i? Will i?
---
Broody and speculative - GO is all confused!! :(