A cloudy umbrella up above. And a hope of rain in the heart. Sounds that surround, soothe, smother. Sounds - of expectant peacocks, of chattering birds, of two pairs of feet walking on the sand, of blowing wind, of a distant stubborn train which whistles on and on, of young thoughtful voices, of whistling security men, of the bustling city just a stonethrow away.
Sounds that make you wonder if you're listening to nature interrupting the city's eloquence or is it the other way round. Nestled in the middle of a growing concrete jungle is this park. And on a day like today, i am glad i was there. To be surrounded, soothed, smothered.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Lonely..
After a long time, I read our college blog - ::Friends 4 Ever::
And i sensed so much loneliness. And it makes me wonder.
If growing up is such a lonely task, why do we ever choose to grow up? Can't we choose not to?
If all of us are so alone in our own isolated universes, can't we get out of the haunting loneliness?
Can't we, i wonder..
And i sensed so much loneliness. And it makes me wonder.
If growing up is such a lonely task, why do we ever choose to grow up? Can't we choose not to?
If all of us are so alone in our own isolated universes, can't we get out of the haunting loneliness?
Can't we, i wonder..
Monday, March 16, 2009
Not for sale..
"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife." - Jane Austen
But what she forgot to mention and what stands more true in the Indian context is - "It is a truth universally acknowledged that parents with a young daughter must be in want of an amiable groom."
And this summarizes the soup I am in. After a fight which HAS BEEN ON FOR MONTHS AND MONTHS, yesterday i told amma - "go ahead. search for a guy. give my name in the matrimonials and the websites. on the condition that you do not give a description about me." There then ensued a pause, which ended when i heard the click which meant she had banged the phone down. Not really. in the modern day mobile phones, you cant really bang the phone down, can you? Which by the way is really sad. I'm sure Psychologists world over will have a few thoughts about banging phones and doors as therapeutic techniques.
Coming back to my mom.. I couldn't help but think of her dilemma. Akin to Shylock, in Merchant of Venice, who had the liberty to exact a pound of flesh on the sole condition that he does not shed a drop of blood. I wish i could have shared this thought with her. The literature graduate in her would have enjoyed this parallel i'm sure. but as it happens, we are not on talking terms now..
There is nothing novel in this story. i can see almost all girls who are my age remembering their last fights. (mind you.. i said ALMOST ALL. coz i do know a few lucky exceptions). it is highly surprising to me that my educated and modern family can never empathize with my desire to stay unmarried for a few more years to come. Even my bro who had a love marriage (and please note, Bhabhi was TWENTY SIX when they married) cannot empathize with me. So, when my parents register my name in some murky matrimonial and label me, they may say - "24 years old, almost five feet, weatish-bordering-on-fair, brown shit-coloured eyes, working in a mnc". and in those few words i will find the past twenty four years of my life - simplified. it will be crystal clear. and some guy somewhere or even more probable.. some guy's family somewhere will read this, and judge the suitability for their son based on whether horoscopes and the height and the looks gel. and if it does, wo!! i would have found the guy i am destined to live with for the rest of my whole long tortured life. do i want to get married some day? yes. do i want relationship in the future? yes. is this the way i want things to happen? a resounding no.
And why I ask myself why this hatred for the whole ritual? For one.. I hate being a commodity. Labeled and categorized and slotted. And for another, it is the thought of forced companionship that hurts. Having spent a lifetime with our CHOSEN friends - from college, school and now office. it is tough to put efforts into a new relationship. in fact i don't think i have much of me left inside of me for that. it is all there in a million pieces inside all my friends.
The constant fights are tiring though. So next time round, I'll put an end to the ongoing war. I'll ask amma to go ahead and put in the description after all. i'll even go ahead and write it for her. "twenty four year old wishing to see a lot of the world, read a trillion books and be truly completely happy, in an abnormally normal way, seeks alliance from like-minded individuals". if i have to be a commodity, i may as well be a branded one right..
But what she forgot to mention and what stands more true in the Indian context is - "It is a truth universally acknowledged that parents with a young daughter must be in want of an amiable groom."
And this summarizes the soup I am in. After a fight which HAS BEEN ON FOR MONTHS AND MONTHS, yesterday i told amma - "go ahead. search for a guy. give my name in the matrimonials and the websites. on the condition that you do not give a description about me." There then ensued a pause, which ended when i heard the click which meant she had banged the phone down. Not really. in the modern day mobile phones, you cant really bang the phone down, can you? Which by the way is really sad. I'm sure Psychologists world over will have a few thoughts about banging phones and doors as therapeutic techniques.
Coming back to my mom.. I couldn't help but think of her dilemma. Akin to Shylock, in Merchant of Venice, who had the liberty to exact a pound of flesh on the sole condition that he does not shed a drop of blood. I wish i could have shared this thought with her. The literature graduate in her would have enjoyed this parallel i'm sure. but as it happens, we are not on talking terms now..
There is nothing novel in this story. i can see almost all girls who are my age remembering their last fights. (mind you.. i said ALMOST ALL. coz i do know a few lucky exceptions). it is highly surprising to me that my educated and modern family can never empathize with my desire to stay unmarried for a few more years to come. Even my bro who had a love marriage (and please note, Bhabhi was TWENTY SIX when they married) cannot empathize with me. So, when my parents register my name in some murky matrimonial and label me, they may say - "24 years old, almost five feet, weatish-bordering-on-fair, brown shit-coloured eyes, working in a mnc
And why I ask myself why this hatred for the whole ritual? For one.. I hate being a commodity. Labeled and categorized and slotted. And for another, it is the thought of forced companionship that hurts. Having spent a lifetime with our CHOSEN friends - from college, school and now office. it is tough to put efforts into a new relationship. in fact i don't think i have much of me left inside of me for that. it is all there in a million pieces inside all my friends.
The constant fights are tiring though. So next time round, I'll put an end to the ongoing war. I'll ask amma to go ahead and put in the description after all. i'll even go ahead and write it for her. "twenty four year old wishing to see a lot of the world, read a trillion books and be truly completely happy, in an abnormally normal way, seeks alliance from like-minded individuals". if i have to be a commodity, i may as well be a branded one right..
Sunday, March 8, 2009
experiments without truth..
I have very few convictions about the strength of my character. I can almost see my friends nodding their heads and saying - "Not without ample reasons".. Mainly coz i try my best not to display extraordinary strength of character or virtues that would awe others.(Like duh!!) But one conviction i had always treasured was about my being a truthful person. And i was thoroughly convinced of it.. until yday..
I woke up. a day like any other day. and i realised that i dint want to go to office.. at least not right then. so i called up my Boss and told him - 'not feelin too great Sir.. so i'll be coming in slightly late'. dis was LIE#1. and then i went right back to sleep. woke up around twelve in d noon and got ready for office. stepped out o home and faced the everyday enemy with a look of fortitude.. the auto guy. One look straight into his eyes as i mumbled - 'Cybergateway'. '40 bucks' pat came the reply.. '30' i retaliated. a few seconds in which he tried to stare me down and i tried to look like i had built in laser devices which would cripple his will. "35" he offered as appeasement. and i shook my head. eventually.. as i took a few steps away from the three-wheeler he rushed to the driver's seat and beckoned to me.. and i went right in. happily. :) for once.. i had won the battle. but sadly.. the war is still on. :( anyways.. this was LIE#2. for i ve never paid mere 30 bucks. and boy!! the elatement of swindling the auto guy of the undeserved 5 bucks!! heaven in itself.. :) and it was on my way to office that i realised..
my definitions of truth and lies are pretty much driven by convenience and the need of the hour. while i would never think of lying to my parents about my grades and academics.. i would easily churn out 5 lies per minute just to ensure that i can go for a trip with my friends.. and i could come up with no less than 10 solid fool-proof lies to keep them out of any idea that i think sidesteps my demarcated area of freedom. this freedom may be anything. i still remember the lies i said to ensure that my parents do not accompany me from Kolkata to Hyderabad when i came to join my current job. :) i told them - "No one's gonna come with their parents" (The fact that my friend's had their entire families along with them, not just their parents, was pushed right under the carpet.)
and with friends. well.. i do not lie. i hide a few stuff which i would rather not have anyone know. i exaggerate at times when i think a story needs some more spice to liven it up.. and yeah.. i say blatant yet believable lies when i have to arrange a surprise for them. this is one set of falsehoods i adore. for it is the bad for good philosophy. and the motivation is pretty much enough to cover up the fact that i lied. but by far this is the most exasperating aspect for my friends.. i can see quite a few sage heads nodding .. (Aana. i'm talking about you here.. just in case. but i just wanted to tell you female.. i never mean no harm. i really don't!! )
the only aspect of truth i really conform to is may be that.. i never do reveal any secrets i'm entrustred with. not even to my closest friends. and this treachery will happen only over my dead body. not sure how i can say that as i'm still alive and typing over here. :) but pretty much, thats how it is.
The whole rest of the truth in me is best quoted by David Roberts when he says in Shantaram - "It is possible to do the wrong things for the right reasons." Just that in my case.. i decide what the right reasons are.. :)
I woke up. a day like any other day. and i realised that i dint want to go to office.. at least not right then. so i called up my Boss and told him - 'not feelin too great Sir.. so i'll be coming in slightly late'. dis was LIE#1. and then i went right back to sleep. woke up around twelve in d noon and got ready for office. stepped out o home and faced the everyday enemy with a look of fortitude.. the auto guy. One look straight into his eyes as i mumbled - 'Cybergateway'. '40 bucks' pat came the reply.. '30' i retaliated. a few seconds in which he tried to stare me down and i tried to look like i had built in laser devices which would cripple his will. "35" he offered as appeasement. and i shook my head. eventually.. as i took a few steps away from the three-wheeler he rushed to the driver's seat and beckoned to me.. and i went right in. happily. :) for once.. i had won the battle. but sadly.. the war is still on. :( anyways.. this was LIE#2. for i ve never paid mere 30 bucks. and boy!! the elatement of swindling the auto guy of the undeserved 5 bucks!! heaven in itself.. :) and it was on my way to office that i realised..
my definitions of truth and lies are pretty much driven by convenience and the need of the hour. while i would never think of lying to my parents about my grades and academics.. i would easily churn out 5 lies per minute just to ensure that i can go for a trip with my friends.. and i could come up with no less than 10 solid fool-proof lies to keep them out of any idea that i think sidesteps my demarcated area of freedom. this freedom may be anything. i still remember the lies i said to ensure that my parents do not accompany me from Kolkata to Hyderabad when i came to join my current job. :) i told them - "No one's gonna come with their parents" (The fact that my friend's had their entire families along with them, not just their parents, was pushed right under the carpet.)
and with friends. well.. i do not lie. i hide a few stuff which i would rather not have anyone know. i exaggerate at times when i think a story needs some more spice to liven it up.. and yeah.. i say blatant yet believable lies when i have to arrange a surprise for them. this is one set of falsehoods i adore. for it is the bad for good philosophy. and the motivation is pretty much enough to cover up the fact that i lied. but by far this is the most exasperating aspect for my friends.. i can see quite a few sage heads nodding .. (Aana. i'm talking about you here.. just in case. but i just wanted to tell you female.. i never mean no harm. i really don't!! )
the only aspect of truth i really conform to is may be that.. i never do reveal any secrets i'm entrustred with. not even to my closest friends. and this treachery will happen only over my dead body. not sure how i can say that as i'm still alive and typing over here. :) but pretty much, thats how it is.
The whole rest of the truth in me is best quoted by David Roberts when he says in Shantaram - "It is possible to do the wrong things for the right reasons." Just that in my case.. i decide what the right reasons are.. :)
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